My dear, just imagine for a moment that the war is over.

A Selection of Excerpts
Second Year
August 1943

Letter No. 126.

Deba, August 6, 1943

... My dearly beloved H..., as I learned here from a comrade, there is a ration voucher available for a wedding dress. Please go and see about getting one for yourself, too. ...

Letter No.: (NO NUMBER)

Deba, August 11, 1943

... Oh, my beloved H..., it is unspeakably difficult for me to write this letter to you today, but I simply have no choice. So, in the hope that you will continue to place your full trust in me and believe firmly in me and in my eternal love and faithfulness to you, I want to tell you everything honestly.

My dearest darling, please pull yourself together and don't lose your head, for this is very hard. You must be very strong so that you do not doubt me and do not lose faith in me.

You cannot imagine how hard it is for me to write this letter to you. But sooner or later you have to find out, and I want you to hear it from me first. How could you possibly have trust in me if I do not have it in you first?

My beloved darling, all the discord at home and also the dear letter you wrote to me from Zuffenhausen have really upset me. You can truly believe that I would do anything for your sake and sacrifice everything for you.

But now I really didn't know what to do anymore. Oh, my beloved darling, what you must have gone through with my parents when you were there! And now, on top of that, something like this has to happen to me.

You know, my dearest treasure, on Saturday I was in such a state of moral distress and remorse that I didn't know what to do. I felt such a need to forget everything, because I only wanted to do right by you.

We had just received some schnapps, so I told myself: have a few drinks, and that will take your mind off things. That worked all too well. After some comrades invited me along, I went to the canteen, where we drank quite a few beers—which are much stronger here than back home. Unfortunately, it was too much, and I ended up quite drunk.

Sadly, that turned out to be my undoing. When I got back, there were no lights on. Then my locker wouldn't open, which really irritated me in my drunken state. I simply smashed the door open, and in the process, a couple of sergeants—who were also tipsy—came over and tried to drag me away.

I wasn't about to put up with that, so I fought back. I ended up beating up two sergeants until they left me alone. Unfortunately, that didn't last long. I had calmed down completely and was undressing.

Then I needed to step outside. As I came out the door, I was suddenly grabbed from both sides. At first, I didn't know what was happening, and in my anger, I lashed out immediately. But there were three sergeants against me, and a brawl ensued. Suddenly, I took a few blows to the head that left me completely dazed. That was the worst part.

First the intoxication, then the blows to my head—that must have driven me mad. I remember walking away and fleeing into my room; there was shouting behind me, and they were coming after me.

I no longer knew what I was doing, for suddenly there was a bang; I had my pistol in my hand and had fired. To my misfortune, I actually hit someone.

Now they have arrested me; I have been in pre-trial detention since Sunday night and am now facing a prison sentence.

Oh, my beloved darling, you cannot imagine how much I am suffering because of this. They can do whatever they want with me—I don't care about that—but one thing is driving me mad: What will you say and think of me now?

Oh, my one and eternally beloved precious darling, if only I knew! It would give me so much support and strength to know that you won't cast me out or judge me, and that you won't lose faith and trust in me. My one darling, loved above all else, I beg you from the bottom of my heart: please do not abandon me now. You are the only thing in the world to which I cling with my whole heart and soul. If you leave me now, I would rather die today than tomorrow, for that would be the same as a life sentence in prison.

My dearest darling, can you do this to me? I know it is very hard for you to keep believing in me. But I beg you, do not destroy my whole life; stay with me instead. I will be eternally grateful to you for it, from the very bottom of my heart.

Let this terrible event serve as a test of our love. Perhaps it was God's will that our love and faithfulness be tested so severely. Oh, if only this had never happened.

I swear to you, my dearest darling, that I will never drink alcohol again. I would rather die of thirst. ...

You will never regret it if you are strong now—strong in trust, in faith, and in your love for me. Please be so kind and good as to write to me about this very, very soon, so that I might find at least a little peace of mind again. ...

May God have mercy on me and help you, so that your heart does not cast me aside! ...

(UNNUMBERED)

Deba, August 14, 1943
My dearest, darling H...!
I thank you with all my heart for your lovely letter of August 7th, which I received today. Oh, my beloved darling, it made me so happy.

I have to write to you in secret here, because it is forbidden. But I simply cannot keep you waiting so long. You know, my kind-hearted, dearest darling, when I read your joyful letter and think about the terrible news you might be receiving right this moment, I could despair.

You had already prepared everything so beautifully for our wedding, and now nothing is to come of it. I still can't believe it.

Oh, my beloved darling, you cannot imagine how I am feeling. My boss gave me a glimmer of hope that my sentence wouldn't be too severe. ...

I have thought a lot about religion in recent days, and I can tell you just one thing: I am becoming a Catholic after all. ...

When someone finds themselves in my situation, they seek their primary comfort in God. My beloved darling, I have found great comfort in this— specifically through the Catholic faith. Yes, my darling, I say the prayers you taught me every day. And I always add one or two of my own. ...

Letter No. 131.

Deba, August 17, 1943
My beloved darling!

I have finally reached the point where I am allowed to write from here. Oh, my dearly beloved treasure, things are a bit easier today. I went to see my First Lieutenant today and spoke with him again. He is a very decent man; he understood my situation and is supporting me as best he can.

He offered me some comfort by saying that, given my good service record, the punishment won't be too severe. Above all, though, my comrade is doing significantly better, which is the main thing.

My beloved darling, I don't know if you received my letter from August 11, as it was held back. I hope it has reached you by now.

Now, my dearest treasure: my commanding officer told me that I might actually get leave for our wedding after all. They didn't want to grant it at first, so I resorted to a little white lie.

Since it was completely uncertain when I would get leave again, I submitted a formal request. My officer suggested that I state the reason as you being pregnant. That is what I did, and I hope it works out.

My beloved darling, please don't be angry with me for this. I only did it to see you once more before I head back to the front—and all your preparations shouldn't have been in vain, after all. ...

My dear darling, please don't be surprised if I write a little differently in my next few letters, as they will be checked and read by my superior. ...

Letter No. 134

Deba, August 20, 1943

... Well, now I have all the paperwork together, and all I need is leave. Oh, my dearest, precious darling, I am already looking forward to that day so much. If only the time were already here. I can hardly wait until I can finally be with you.

My sweet, precious darling, I also thank you with all my heart for the lovely photos. I like them very much, and they brought me great joy. I see that the uniform suits you perfectly. Do you think we should look into getting one for you, so I could take you along? Well, we had better not do that, because it’s a bit too dangerous out there for you. You know, the air is heavily "iron-laden" there, and that might not exactly agree with you.

Well, perhaps the war will come to an end soon, and then we can finally be together forever. If only one knew when that would happen; I believe everyone would do everything possible to bring it to an end even sooner. ...

When I do get my leave, there will barely be enough time for me to get baptized before the wedding anyway. For one thing, time is very, very short, and for another, I got my declaration of withdrawal [from the church] back from the registry office along with an additional statement that my battalion commander has to sign. I wanted to get that signed here, but unfortunately, it hasn't happened yet. Perhaps I’ll have to send it to Russia now.

Here is how I’ve thought it out. We’ll go ahead and have the Catholic wedding ceremony first, and I can get baptized later. I’m definitely going to do it, come what may. I’ll have another talk with my father, too, and you don’t need to worry; I’ll manage to come to an understanding with him. If he insists on his position, I’ll simply give in. After all, he doesn’t necessarily have to find out if I become Catholic anyway. I’ve already left the Protestant church and don’t go there anymore. ...

Well, I do hope my boss is understanding enough in this regard to let me go. You never know these days if something might come up. In that case, even if the boss has the best of intentions, he simply might not be able to change things.

You can only really say you’re on leave once you’re actually home—and even then, you could still be called back. But let’s not think about that; otherwise, the gloomy hours will set in again. ...

Letter No. 140.

Deba, August 25, 1943

... when I look back a year now—what things were like back then. It was right around August 24th or 25th that we were heading into what was, up to that point, our toughest mission; and once it was over, there was leave. Oh, who among us would have thought at that time that we would spend such a wonderful time together and that everything would move so quickly.

Letter No. 142.

Deba, August 26, 1943

... My dearest treasure, I beg you with all my heart: don't take it so hard, and put it out of your mind. It really isn't that bad. Please believe me—it is certainly true, and I am not just saying it to calm you down. My boss actually said I shouldn't write to you about it at all, but should tell you later on. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. How could you still have any trust in me then?

My dearest treasure, I don't want to complain about my fate—after all, who knows what good might come of it? I am not allowed to write to you yet about what happened here, but I thank God that I wasn't there.

My dearly beloved treasure, I thank you with all my heart—and I will remain eternally grateful to you—for standing so faithfully by my side. That was my greatest worry: that I might lose you. Oh, if only I could explain everything to you in person.

My beloved, kind-hearted treasure, please don't worry about this matter anymore. I beg you with all my heart: put on a happy face again and don't be sad. The whole affair is turning out well, and my punishment won't be too severe, since the main blame lies with the others.

I received a letter from my comrade today. He is doing very well again. He is already able to go for walks and will soon be discharged from the field hospital. I am so glad that nothing worse happened to him and that he won't suffer any lasting effects.

Now I can be somewhat at ease, as I had been very worried about this. He was—and is, now more than ever—my best comrade here.

My dearest sweetheart, I have never drunk much alcohol, and I promise you that after this incident, I will avoid it completely. I will never touch hard liquor again...

Look, I’m not the sort of person who could ever become a drunkard...

My dearly beloved treasure, I firmly believe that I will get my leave despite everything. I will certainly do everything in my power to make it happen. I cannot go to the front without having spoken to you first.